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Dave vs Madona

Dave Our first guest tonight is one of the biggest stars in the world. In the past ten years she has sold over 80 million albums, starred in countless films, and slept with some of the biggest names in the entertainment industry.
Paul [faux appalled] She's your guest!
Dave It's right there on her bio, for heaven's sake.
Paul She's your guest.
Dave It's what it says --
Paul She's your guest.
Dave Oh, she's, oh, everything's fine. Just relax, will you? We're just trying to have fun.
Paul Okay. I know.
Dave Ladies and gentlemen, here she is ... Madonna!
MUSIC [Holiday? by Madonna]
[Madonna comes out and hands Dave her panties. Dave stuffs them into a drawer when he gets back to his desk]
Dave How are you doing?
Madonna I'm only here cause there isn't a Knicks game. Don't get excited.
Dave Oh, come on. Let's go kiss a guy in the audience. Why don't you go kiss a guy in the audience?
Madonna Why are you so obsessed with my sex life?
Dave As we all know, I have none of my own.
Madonna Well, um ...
Dave Go kiss the guy in the audience, it would knock him out. Look at that guy [pointing him out]. Just like, on the forehead, just on the forehead --
Madonna I can't. [both are laughing] He's not tall enough.
Dave I like that, she said I can't. Lots of people would cave into the pressure and say, "Oh, allll right." They'd go out and kiss him and get it over with.
Madonna Yeah, well, I've never succumbed to peer pressure.
Dave Well, good for you. That's what we love about you, Madonna.
Madonna Yes.
Dave What brings you --
Madonna Incidentally, you are a sick fuck. I don't know why I get so much shit.
Dave You realize this --
Madonna You're twisted.
Dave -- is being broadcast, don't you?
Madonna Yeah. [both are laughing nervously]
Dave Well you can't be talking like that.
Madonna What?
Dave I said ... oh, never mind. What brings you to --
Madonna Wait a minute. Aren't you going to smell them? [the panties]
Dave [sighs twice]
Madonna I gave them to you for a reason.
Dave Let's see what I'm doing at my house right now, ladies and gentlemen -- [a running gag that evening]
Madonna No, no, no, no, no!
Dave I'll take care of that later, it's a lovely --
Madonna I gave him my, come on, I gave him my underpants and he won't smell. [laughing as Dave sticks them back in his desk drawer] That's not where they go!
Dave No, that's, no, believe me, that's where the underwear go, That's where ... see, look. Here's where I keep my socks, here's where I keep my panties.
Madonna [laughing]
Dave That's where they go
Madonna No, that's where, that's where you keep my panties.
Dave Okay. So what are you doing in New York City? Let me ask you a question: Are you buying an NBA team, you buying the Bulls, you buying the Miami Heat, you buying a whya whya ...
Madonna No.
Dave How come?
Madonna Uhhmm ...
Dave Is that just a rumor? Is that an --
Madonna Yes.
Dave Untrue rumor? But you like basketball.
Madonna Isn't that an oxymoron -- an untrue rumor?
Dave No, not necessarily.
Madonna Isn't that sort of like jumbo shrimp?
Dave Some rumors are true. Yeah, jumbo shrimp, yes, oxymoron, I mean --
Madonna Untrue rumor.
Dave No, no, some rumors are true.
Madonna Untrue rumor, I mean ... that's like, "funny David Letterman."
Dave Oh, man. [boos from audience] Sir, [calls out to man in audience that wanted kiss from Madonna] you're the luckiest man in the house! [crowd roars approval] So you like basketball a great deal. Where's your interest in basketball?
Madonna [looking up at boom mike] That microphone is really long. Speaking of the NBA ... [Dave gives her a look] I'm sorry [giggling]. I always go there, and really, I don't care, I mean --
Dave So now let's talk about your interest in the NBA. You go to a lot of games. You were, you were friends with Charles Barkley.
Madonna I wouldn't go thatfar.
Dave You weren't friends with Charles Barkley?
Madonna I don't think he understands the meaning of friendship.
Dave Oh, really. He seems like he might be a hothead, that guy.
Madonna Hmmm, hmhm.
Dave Did you know him at all?
Madonna Hmmm, hmhm.
Dave Yeah?
Madonna Yeah.
Dave Did it hurt when you had that thing put in your nose? [referring to her nosering, but she bursts out laughing]
Madonna I thought you were going to ask me if it hurt something else, but I ... [crowd groans] ... thought you were going to continue the Charles Barkley line of questioning.
Dave Ohhhh, man, this is. .
Madonna Fuck.
Dave What a revelation.
Madonna And the question, and the answer is, um --
Dave What a lovely young woman.
Madonna Hmm, yes.
Dave [tries again] But, you have like, a nose ring there.
Madonna It hurt, the answer is yes, both questions.
Dave What happens when you take that out, will you ever take that out?
Madonna What happens when you take it out?
Dave Yeah.
Madonna Both questions?
Dave Oh, come on, come on, what a, what a -- [exasperated] What am I speakin', Chinese here? Now stop it!
Madonna Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't want to talk about my sex life when I'm on your show.
Dave Now what do you mean? Do you mean because we refer to you periodically, we make jokes --
Madonna Periodically?
Dave Yeah.
Madonna You can't get through a show without talking about me ... or thinking about me.
Dave [laughing] No, but do you mind that, is that a problem for you?
Madonna It's never a problem.
Dave Yeah. All right, I'll tell you what. Let's do, let's do a commercial. Do you want to do a commercial?
Madonna No.
Dave Okay, we'll do a commercial.
Madonna I don't think we should ever cut to a commercial,
Dave No, we'll --
Madonna Let's keep talking and film every second of it.
Dave Oh yeah. Because if the rest of it is as fascinating as the first part of it ... [crowd roars approval] ... then we've ... we've got something there ... there, that's money in the bank, there.
Madonna Before -- wait, wait, wait! -- before we cut to a commercial, I just want to know. Um ... is that a rug?
Dave You talkin' about my hair? Well, all right -- what is that [pointing to her hairdo], a swim cap? What are you wearing? [applause] Come on! Let's go! [stands and puts his dukes up] Here we go, [applause] Come on! [Madonna stands and takes up his challenge. Dave backs down.] No, no, no, I got a bad neck, I can't, I can't ... just sit down. Just sit down. Sit down. Just have a seat.
Madonna Don't make me act a fool, Dave, all right? [both are laughing]
Dave Have a seat.
Madonna Don't make me ... [out of nowhere] Do you want to touch my dress?
Dave I would, I would. I would like to touch your dress. [touches dress] Oh, very nice, very nice [sighs, both sit down] I tell you what. We are going to do a commercial and, uh, we are going to wash her mouth out with soap --
Madonna And he's going to smell my underwear.
Dave -- and then we'll be right back. Kids, come on back!
Dave How do you do, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back, Madonna is here, Madonna and I are just sitting around smoking cigars and swapping recipes.
Madonna [puffing on a stogie] Yeah.
Dave Also, uh Counting Crows, and the, uh, world champion grocery bagger. Did you have jobs like that when you were a kid? Did you work in grocery stores, bagging groceries, any of that?
Madonna No.
Dave Have you ever been in a grocery store?
Madonna You really have, you really -- [both giggling] Yeah.
Dave Yeah? Good. Uh, and --
Madonna You know, you really changed since the last time I was on the show.
Dave Well we haven't seen you in like six years or seven years.
Madonna You used to be really kind of, like, cool.
Dave I know -- there is no bigger dweeb than me.
Madonna Money's made you soft.
Dave Really? You think so?
Madonna Yeah.
Dave In what sense?
Madonna Because you just kiss up to everybody on your show now. [oohs from crowd] You do, man. You're always kissing up to like, all -- I see all these, like, you know, movie stars coming here, and you're just all ga-ga. You should just give people a hard time.
Dave Yeah? I can suspend that behavior tonight if you'd like. [applause and laughter]
Madonna [laughing] I believe you have already.
Dave Oh, I know. Now, we're just kidding around, now. Explain to folks, we're just kidding around.
Madonna Don't treat me special, okay?
Dave All right. Sure.
Madonna I wouldn't want you to do that.
Dave Now what specifically are you getting at. What is driving you nuts here? What's troubling you?
Madonna About you or life in general?
Dave Well, let's start with life in general.
Madonna No, let's just get back to you.
Dave Okay, fine
Madonna Um ...
Dave First of all, you're not irritated at all, you're not irritated at all. I know. This is a little act.
Madonna You are not irritating me.
Dave Okay, good.
Madonna Are you trying to?
Dave No, I'm not trying to irritate you.
Madonna Actually, you do irritate me sometimes
Dave [playing along] Well ... you kind of irritate me, too.
Madonna Really?
Dave You see? We have so much in common.
Madonna I know. Why are you always -- actually, I brought something to, like, make a point --
Dave Right. Okay. Good.
Madonna -- because you are always fucking with me on the show.
Dave God ...
Madonna You are always fucking with me on the show.
Dave This, you know --
Madonna You are always fucking with me on the show
[an older couple is shown gasping at Madonna's comments]
Madonna Where is that thing [the camera]?
Dave See what you're doing? You see? You see what you're doing? [applause] Now there, you see?
Madonna What?
Dave A, a nice couple -- where are you folks from? [audience members near them call out, "Appleton, Wisconsin"] Yeah. Appleton, Wisconsin. Look, they drove all the way, they came in an Avis car and they wanted --
Madonna Will you shut up please! Can we -- let's get to the tape. I brought a tape to prove that he's obsessed with my ... obsessed with me.
Dave All right, you think we refer to you much too much on the show.
Madonna Yeah.
Dave All right, roll the tape, Hal, let's see what she's talking about here.
Dave [on the tape, addressing Paul] As luck would have it, I look up and there's Madonna ...
Paul There she was!
Dave ... riding her bicycle. Hal, roll my home video tape of Madonna. Watch this, this is very impressive, ladies and gentlemen ... Look, there she is!
[cut to footage of a woman riding her bicycle, buck naked, in Central Park]
Dave Okay, stop it.
[tape over; applause]
Dave All right ...
Madonna What's thatall about?
Dave Now can you do that? Don't you have a problem with chafing when you're out there like that?
Madonna My ass looks a lot better than that.
Dave [laughing] Are you enjoying that smoke there?
Madonna It's just the right size.
Dave What are you, uh, now when you leave here tonight? What are you gonna do, are you gonna go out are you going to ...
Madonna Don't fuck with me Dave
Dave Oh, jeez ... please ...
Madonna Aren't there any other segments? That's it?
Dave Do we have more tape for Madonna? Sounds to me ...
Madonna I like the way you say my name, by the way.
Dave It sounds to me like somebody might be hmm-hmming with you.
Madonna Somebody fucked up.
Dave [laughing very nervously] Oh, god.
Madonna It's okay.
Dave I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run-through show. Thank you very much. This, of course, will never see the light of day. You won't miss a thing tonight. [applause] Hmm, you have, you have a top ten list, I'm told.
Madonna Yeah, I'm sitting on it.
Dave You're sitting on it. Oh -- are we going to do the list?
[Morty says yes]
Dave I heard Morty over there weaseling. First he said, "No, no, no, no!" And then I said, and then I said, "Are we going to do the list?" and he said, "Suuuure!"
Madonna There seems to be a lot of confusion right now.
Dave Yeah. Guess why.
[audience, Dave, and Madonna laughing]
Madonna Is it cause I've been saying fuck?
Dave You just, you can't --
Madonna Speak the truth and shame the devil, baby.
Dave No, you can't be comin' on here -- this is American television. You can't be talkin' like that. Now we're going to have to --
Madonna Why?
Dave Because people don't want that in their own homes at 11:30 at night.
Madonna They don't?
Madonna Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Dave Yeah! Yessir!
Madonna Stop! [Paul plays some patriotic music as Dave salutes]
Madonna Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! People don't want to hear the word fuck in their --
Dave Oh, stop it! Will you stop?!? Ladies and gentlemen! TURN DOWN YOUR VOLUME! Turn down the volume IMMEDIATELY! She can't be stopped! [applause] There's something wrong with her.
Madonna I want to know, what do people -- there is definately something wrong with me.
Dave Yeah.
Madonna I'm sitting here. Anyways [crowd goes "ooooooh"] -- what? [mimicking] Oooooh.
Dave We have to do another commercial. We have to do another commercial. We'll figure --
Madonna I don't think we should.
Dave No, we are going to do one.
Madonna I don't think -- I think we should break the rules.
Dave Oh, yeah? Well, I'm callin' the shots.
Madonna Tonight, I think we should --
Dave We're doin' another commercial. Weeee'll be right back.
[Madonna smoking a cigar]
Dave Counting Crows will be out here in a little bit, and Madonna is with us, if you're just joining us, so far it has been a fascinating interview.
Madonna Yeah, you just -- Dave just slobbered all over my cigar.
Dave Yeah, no, you asked me to light it for you, and I thought I was doing the gentlemanly thing.
Madonna This is the closest I'm ever going to get to kissing you.
Dave Aaah, well. [crowd aahing] We could certainly change that, you know what I mean? ... If I don't have to wait in line. [laughter] It's a joke! I'm sorry.
Madonna Well, you're not in the NBA, so forget about it.
Dave [laughing] Now, Madonna, I'm told that you've prepared a little special comedy thing for us, your own kind of --
Madonna Me?
Dave Yes, you. Your top ten list, there. And I think all America is --
Madonna Want to get it? [she leans to her right and Dave reaches under her tush to get it]
Dave Oh man! Uh ... [Madonna is laughing hysterically] ... damn thing seems to be stuck! [laughter] Somebody bring me the Jaws of Life!
Madonna See?
Dave There, okay.
Madonna See, I haven't dated that many basketball players.
Dave All right ... just ... [unwrinkling paper]
Madonna That was a very subtle joke.
Dave There, okay. How you been? You doin' all right? You look pretty good. Everything going all right?
Madonna [pauses] Are you talkin' to me?
Dave I'm talkin' to you, yeah.
Madonna This seems all very rehearsed.
Dave I know.
Madonna Why did you have to go and read a top ten list?
Dave We do it every night. Have you ever seen the show? [laughter]
Madonna Well, actually I have seen the show, but I've never -- I mean, I've always been doing something while I was watching the show.
Dave Oh, I know. I've heard. I've heard all about you.
Madonna Exactly. So ... [examining top ten list] I don't really ... it's not funny [crumples it up and throws it behind her] Forget it. [audience claps]
Dave Well, now what the hell are we going to do?
Madonna Oh, fuck it.
Dave Now, come on! You -- you know -- you --
Madonna We're going to have to deal with each other.
Dave Oohhh, let's don't do that.
Madonna No holds barred.
Dave [to Morty] We have tape? Tape of what?
Madonna Tape? Why can't we just talk to each other? Why do we have to have all of this contrived bullshit? You know? Fuck the tape, fuck the list, everything. You know what I'm saying?
Dave Oh, man.
Madonna I think we should get -- don't you want to show everybody the underwear?
Dave Well, uh, I think most everybody has seen underwear.
Madonna No, they haven't seen -- they haven't seen myunderwear.
Dave Now, that's not true. [laughter]
Madonna No, no, no, no. They saw me out of my underwear. They haven't seen me in my underwear.
Dave [to Morty] What? Oh, jeez, we're out of time. [laughing] You know, uh --
Madonna Don't make me act a fool, Dave.
Dave No, no, you know it was fun. I get a big kick out of you and --
Madonna [sweetly] Really?
Dave Yeah.
Madonna In what way? What part of your body?
Dave I think you're a nice --
Madonna Where?
Dave You know I think you're a decent, nice person, you know.
Madonna [not buying it] Uh, huh ...
Dave And uh, I'm happy you came by here tonight and could ... gross us all out! [laughter] But you know, I'm just, you know ...
Madonna Isn't there anything you really want to ask me?
Dave [sighs] You know, it's seems like we know almost everything there is to know about you.
Madonna Really?
Dave Tell us something we don't know.
Madonna You don't know a [god] damn thing.
Dave Yeah? Like what? What's the next look? What's the next incarnation? What's the next sort of a image, what do we --
Madonna That's what you want to know?
Dave Yeah.
Madonna No, that's not what you want to know. [dead air]
Dave Oh, jeez, we're out of time again. [laughter] What are you going to do now? What are you going to do after the show?
Madonna Did you know that it's good if you pee in the shower?
Dave I'm sorry?
Madonna I'm serious! [crowd reacts uncomfortably] No, seriously, peeing in the shower is really good. It ... it fights, um, um, athlete's foot. I'm serious, no, urine is like, is like ... is like an antiseptic. It's all got to do with the enzymes in your body.
Dave Don't ... don't you know a good pharmacist? [laughter]
Madonna Ummm ...
Dave Get yourself some Desenex! Or whatever that stuff is.
Madonna I wanted to share something that I knew with you.
Dave Okay, well, thank you very much. Ah, I'm going to try to wrap this up.
Madonna Do you have a girlfriend?
Dave Yeah.
Madonna Really?
Dave Yeah.
Madonna Umm.
Dave What do you care? [laughter] What? Like, a guy like me wouldn't have a girlfriend? [audience member: "Yeah, Dave!"] Yeah! Thank you very much, sir! [laughter, applause] What about you? Do you have a boyfriend?
Madonna I thought you were going to ask me if I had a girlfriend.
Dave Are you currently interested in someone?
Madonna Mm-hmmmmm.
Dave Oh, really? What's his name?
Madonna Daaaaave.
Dave Dave? No. No, no, not ... former mayor of New York Dave Dinkins? [laughter; Dave turns to camera and waves] GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
Madonna Look, I don't want to --
Dave You haveto. We have to say goodbye now.
Madonna Why?
Dave Because we have other guests.
Madonna Why?
Dave Probably, probably not anymore, but we should --
Madonna Can't this just go on and on?
Dave Oh, it seems like it has, now, don't it? [laughter] You know, we want to get the Counting Crows out here, and we want to get the bagger --
Madonna Why?
Dave We want to hear their song. They have a little song they've planned for us, so we'd like to hear it. And the grocery bagger -- you don't want to break his heart, do you?
Madonna [shakes her head yes]
Dave No, look at this [Hal shows a clock that reads 12:13]. Look, see? Hi, how ya doing? Oh, okay, so --
Madonna It's not really this late, anyway. This is all a fantasy.
Dave Right. But, I mean, when --
Madonna We are living ahead of the time when it actually is.
Dave Exactly. Very heavy, Madonna, thank you. [laughter] I don't know, I don't kn --
Madonna Don't fuck with me, Dave.
Dave I know.
Madonna Don't make me act a fool.
Dave Ah, so I think what we'll do is --
Madonna Wait a minute! I just want to ask you one more question
Dave Yeah, sure, go ahead. Shoot.
Madonna Have you ever smoked Indo?
Dave I'm sorry?
Madonna Have you ever smoked Indo?
Dave I don't know what you're talking about.
Madonna You're a goddamned liar.
Dave I, no, I, ah, ah, ah, I don't [starts into his Carson impression; Paul plays a few bars of the Tonight theme; Madonna laughs hysterically], ah, I don't ... no, I don't, I, ah ... Sorry. I don't, I don't know what you're talking about.
Madonna Well, you should.
Dave All right, well, I'll put that on my list of things to do ... [audience member yells: "Get off!"]
Dave [writing on a piece of paper] Smoke some Indo ...
Madonna Oh, oh, oh, and pee in the shower.
Dave Okay, pee in the shower ... get those panties cleaned ... okay, all right, Madonna.
Madonna Don't tell me you haven't peed in the shower.
Dave [laughs nervously]
Madonna Everybody pees in the shower and everybody picks their nose. [audience member again yells: "Get off!"]
Dave Okay, now, um ...
Madonna Why do we have to be -- why do you keep flashing that card?
Dave Because we -- because ...
Madonna Can't we just break the rules? [again from the crowd: "Get off!"]
Madonna Who said that?
Dave No, no -- that's the guy you wouldn't kiss earlier! [laughter] The guy out there, you irritated him, all right? Okay, now --
Madonna Is the show almost over?
Dave The show is nearly over. We have to say goodbye now.
Madonna [forlornly] We only have a few minutes ...
Dave We only have a few minutes and -- thank you again from the bottom of my heart. It was nice of you to stop by tonight. Madonna! [applause]
Madonna When you come back I'll still be here. Fuck it!
Dave Of course, that's what Iwas going to say. She ... she ... [demented] She won't leave! We can't get rid of her! What if she's still here tomorrow night? [Paul strikes a few shrill 'Psycho' chords] Ah, that's crazy! Ah, ah ... [sobers up] Ahhhhh, just for the hell of it, let's do a commercial and see what happens. [laughter; applause]


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