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Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Stockbroker

10. Uses the opening bell as alarm clock


9. Tells you to put all your money in his pants


8. Each time he goes on the trading floor, he gets tased


7. He can guarantee you a billion zillion percent return


6. His advice -- buy low, get high


5. Every time you turn on C-SPAN, he's testifying


4. Your projected retirement age is 97


3. Every time you mention NASDAQ, he says, "Gesundheit!"


2. Your BP Oli stock divdends are paid out in Greek drachmas


1. He says his name is Bernie and he can only talk for three minutes

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